I became afraid to embrace my authentic self, so many years of trauma, so many years of feeling unworthy, unpolished, unhealed that I thought "It will always be this way, I will never stop feeling the way I do about myself, my life, and my circumstance." I used attention from my male counterpart to fill in the hole that was once pure. That was once energetic and optimistic. Meeting these gentlemen at first filled that gap I thought I created, but as time went on, and I let them into my temple, my realm of thoughts and imagination, the once filled space was slowly emptying itself out. I did not leave the person I was with, but rather clinged on to images I projected of a chivalrous and hopeless romantic partner. Not only did this damage me presently, but would dig a deeper hole that I am still grasping and clawing my way out of.
It is not to say that I will never find my peace, because I consider myself a better version of me than yesterday, than last month, than last year. Yet, I still feel remnants of my past transgression inside of me, boiling, waiting for the chance to engulf me once more. I write this with intent to change. Intent to see that my authentic self is okay with being a little tarnished. It is okay to a have a spot unpolished. It is what creates a version of me that is real. Not running away from the truth. Not cowering at the sight of realness and authenticity. It is a step in the right direction of learning to love me. Learning to understand me.
So welcome to me, or at least this version of me.
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